EMMETT CULLEN
by Daddy's Little Bloodsucker
Summary: If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EMMETT CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
1. Chapter 1

**EMMETT CULLEN**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own EMMETT CULLEN. I'm sure you have saved so much money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your EMMETT CULLEN cusses. So don't complain. You bought him so it's your problem not mine...

2. Your EMMETT CULLEN likes grizzlies. Take him out for a hunt for bears.

3. Your EMMETT CULLEN likes to prank people, vampires, werewolves and maybe aliens. (If there are any) This is perfectly normal for a prankster like EMMETT.

4. Your EMMETT CULLEN is very loyal to his ROSALIE HALE. Buy him a ROSALIE HALE.

5. IF you have a ROSALIE HALE to go along side with your EMMETT CULLEN, they may have sex at any time and place. Please beware if you don't want your beautiful/innocent/cute/smoldering eyes to be burned.

6. It is normal to see your EMMETT CULLEN touch himself… This may happen if you don't buy him a ROSALIE HALE.

7. EMMETT CULLEN is programmed not for sexual usage but your entertainment. The entertainment does not include stripping.

8. Your EMMETT CULLEN may get you to lots of trouble. You may even get arrested because of him. You bought him so it's your problem… Not mine.

9. Your EMMETT CULLEN may imply sexual themes in his conversations. So if you don't want him to destroy your beautiful/cute/sensitive ears, wear earmuffs. There are earmuffs inside the EMMETT CULLEN package. (Not his 'package' you pervert)

10. EMMETT CULLEN may force you into thinking that drink driving is safe. If you die, it won't be my fault… You purchased him in the first place…

11. Do not let him near peaches… He may turn the peaches to vampires. (I know on story about Emmett turning peaches into vampires… I forgot about the title)

12. It is perfectly normal if he calls you human. He does that a lot.

13. If you have purchased an EDWARD CULLEN. You may notice that you have to buy new furniture everyday. This is also normal.

14. If you purchased a JASPER HALE, they may bet on every single thing and demand more money from you if they don't have money. Since you have so much money to buy a JASPER HALE and EMMETT CULLEN, you must be rich than. So you don't have to worry about losing money.

15. Your EMMETT CULLEN has a mind of a three year old. Do not ask him to do your homework.

**Types of EMMETT CULLEN**

There are many types EMMETT CULLEN of programming you can install to your EMMETT CULLEN.

Naughty mode (this mode may get you arrested, sued, executed, electrocuted, raped or killed.)

Prankster mode (this mode is very child-like. He may cause you lots of trouble)

Loyal mode (this mode makes him loyal to you and not to ROSALIE HALE)

Smart mode (this mode is extremely rare. It makes his IQ go up by 1000)

Human mode (this human mode is basically the same as a normal EMMETT except he can blush and hurt himself)

Stripper mode (this may cause nosebleeds and loss of blood.)

Kiddy mode (this mode makes EMMETT a kid. He likes super heroes.)

Invisible mode (this mode will make EMMETT really quiet that you'd think he is not there at all.)

Idiotic mode (this mode is only bought by idiotic people.. DO NOT BUY IT)

Clean freak mode (this mode will make him clean everything.)

Badass mode (this may cause you lots of frustration)

**F.A.Q**

1. My EMMETT CULLEN is eating human food! What's happening to him?

He may be in human mode. If not, knock him on the head and scream 'blood' he will be back to normal in no time.

2. My EMMETT CULLEN thinks I'm weird. Why it that so?

Come to the TWILIGHT CULLEN MAKERS PRODUCTION so we could see what's wrong.

3. Why does he sulk all day?

It's probably because he doesn't have ROSALIE HALE with him. Please save up more money to buy him one.

4. My EMMETT CULLEN asked me for a threesome. I don't want one. What should I do?

Buy him another ROSALIE HALE. He'd definitely like that.

5. My EMMETT CULLEN thinks I'm a goody two shoes. How do I make him stop saying that?

Be a badass. Make sure you are badass-er (if there's such a word) than him.

6. My EMMETT CULLEN calls my boyfriend a sissy.

He must really be one than.

7. I bought an ESME CULLEN to go along with my EMMETT CULLEN. He is too good right now. Why is this so?

He is scared of your ESME CULLEN this is perfectly normal.

8. He keeps on screaming "my Jeep!" why is this so?

He misses his car. Go buy him an EMMETT CULLEN JEEP set.

9. My EMMETT CULLEN is too quiet. Why is this so.

There must be something wrong with your EMMETT CULLEN bring him to the TCMP building for an exchange.

10. Can I abandon my EMMETT CULLEN?

No. Please send it to CARLISLE CULLEN ADOPTION CENTRE.

**Different types of items in TWILIGHT CULLEN MAKERS PRODUCTION**

Alice Cullen

Edward Cullen

Carlisle Cullen

Esme Cullen

Renesmee C. Cullen

Isabella Swan

Bella Cullen (vampire)

James

Victoria

Rosalie Hale

Jasper Hale

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Twilight Avenue**

**Building 2 TCMP, Reception Counter**

**#04-789, 4****th**** storey 521457**

**Call us at: 0894-2856-6257 (0twi-culn-makr)**

**Email us at: ****tw1_cu1l3n_**

**The copyright of this EMMETT CULLEN instruction sheet belongs to DADDY'S LITTLE BLOODSUCKER. All characters mentioned above are just used for fun. Stephanie Meyer owns it. We mean no harm to the characters or your readers. Kapeesh? If this offended you, I'm sorry. We don't really mean this.**

**DLB: Woo! Another one! This time it's about EMMETT! I have a EDWARD CULLEN one up on my account! go there please! How do you like it? REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW. I'll send all the cullen boys to your bed if you review! afterall that review button below isn't for display only you know! click it!!**


	2. Important

**I'm sorry for not updating my stories.. I wanted to but I lost my muse which is Daddy's Little Cannibal (Stephanie)who died in a drunk driving accident on May 8****th****. I know that she will be missed by many of her fans including me. I was shocked to hear of her death and cried for hours. I promise that I'll update my stories at least once until i calmed down. I'm really sorry. This accident reminded me that authors have lives outside of fanfiction too and I want all authors in fanfiction to know that too. I know that no matter what, she would not be forgotten by us, her fans. May she have a better life where ever she is… We will love you always, Daddy's Little Cannibal.**

_"When other little girls wanted to be ballerinas, I wanted to be Jeffery Dahmer." - Daddy's Little Cannibal_

_"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever; the goal is to create something that will." - Chuck Palahnuik_

**Update:(8th June)**

I'm beta-ing now! i have my beta reader profile up! if anyone needs a beta, you can find me :DD

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